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I WANT MY FORESKIN BACK!

So, my good friends, Dirk and Melissa are having a bay boy tomorrow. And for the past couple weeks after softball we debated the "foreskin issue." To snip or not to snip? That is the question. My wife and I have a daughter, but before she was born, and before we knew she was a girl, we had come to the decision that we would NOT snip if we had a boy. We researched and debated and both agreed that if you're born with it it must be there for a reason. PLUS! The "tradition" is really isolated to the U.S. (for whatever reason) and Israel where it's a religious thing. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY it has been determined that men whose foresking is left intact have a better quality of sexual pleasure--which I am all about. So, had we had a boy he'd have the "anteater."

So, upon hearing Dirk say that they were going to snip I was a bit stunned. Firstly because the foresking snipping is beginning to trend downwards again in the U.S. and more people are coming to the same conclusions Sandy an I did. And second, Dirk has his anteater still intact!!! So I was like, "Dirk...whassup?! You got yours! You've heard the 'better sex' arguement! What's the deal? Why you gonna snip the little fella?!" To which he replied (and I'm paraphrasing), "I don't want him getting laughed at in the showers." And then another couple I'm friends with echoed the same basic sentiment.

Is that the only reason we're snipping our kids? If so we have to all grow up a little people. Get out of the "cookie cutter" mentality. Stop being sheep! Stop being frickin' followers!!! We're so worried our kids will get giggled at that we have a pretty darn barbaric surgery done to them when they're only a few hours old. We've got to get over this.

Now, to be completely fair, my little buddy Dirk did further explain that he also had some discomfort growing up when it was time to give the anteater a bath. I guess the foreskin was pretty tight and pulling it back was an unpleasant task for him when he was a wee lad. But now he's completely onboard with the whole "better sex" angle. So, a little "growing pains" for a big payoff down the road? pros/cons. I'm with the deal with the growing pains payoff, man! And I'm guessing he is whether he realizes it or not...the little fella's one of the biggest horndogs I've ever seen!!!

I've found it interesting that the majority of our friends still lean towards the snipping. Inadvertently, my friend Maria kind of made an obseravtion that I don't think she initially intended. She asked me, "Yeah, but how many of your friends that you know weren't circumcized?" To which I replied, "Well, yeah, but that's because we grew up in Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin...that's about as Republican as you can get." By which I meant "Whitebread" "Vanilla" "Middle America." A place where I believe the biggest concern, again, was "God forbid we look different than everyone else!" (BTW, For the most part I'm pretty much Republican, too, so no insult was intended towards Republicans there)

Sad really.

Before Stella was born we took those "birthing classes" and the instructor was very anti-snipping. She went as far as referring to anyone who had their kids snipped as "butchering them" and "robbing from them." A few days later I decided to tell my parents that they stole something precious from me when they had me circumcized (I really laid it on thick!) and that I'd never forgive them. My mother is a total sucker for this kind of crap and I must say that my delivery on stuff like this is pretty damn good. I could win the Oscar for Bullshitting if there was such a category. Anyways, she was taken aback and basically confirmed my arguement by saying, "Well, it's what the doctors were all telling us to do back then...everyone was doing it." To which I replied, "You butchered all of us...we never had a chance."

A week later the phone rings. It's my mom. She says in this really subdued voice, "Do you really think we 'butchered you' when you were born?" She's totally been torturing herself over this for the past week apparently (this is her way). And I am stunned, do the typical eyeroll, and tell her I was just giving her the business. I had to reassure her that I have no recollection (on a conscious level anyways) of the "butchering" being performed, and that seeing as I never had the foreskin I'll never really know how much better the sex would be...I have no basis for comparison. I told her she was off the hook and I was okay with my penis the way it was.

No use in beating her up over it. What's done is done. My bishop goes into battle without a helmet.

So I ask all of you out there reading this to research before making, for what to most seems to be an arbitrary decision. Really research what circumcision is all about and WHY we do it. Don't just have it done because you're circumcized. Because your friends are all circumcized. THINK about it.

I know that I, for one, want my foreskin back.

Word!

r

FOR BIG TIM!!

I realize I have been remiss in my blogging duties as of late but was reminded, nonetheless, by my buddy, Tim "Big Tim" Lyons last night at softball (we won 4-3 BTW. I went 2 for 3).For this I sincerely apologize for I realize that there are literally millions of people out there who rely on my little "pearls of wisdom" each and every week to help get themselves through the sometimes mundane drudgeries of their respective lives. I now realize just how important my blogging is to some, and it was made even more obvious last night as Big Tim pulled me aside to tell me just how so. I didn't see the tears swelling up in his eyes at first as I was busy signing a few autographs for the kids and some other players from other teams. I didn't immediately sense Big Tim's urgency. It was only after I heard the gentle sobs that I realized how much pain my dear friend was truly suffering. My blog is life for my friend and I have slowly been stealing the very lifeblood away from him by my blogging neglect.

For this I am sorry to Big Tim and the millions more out there that I am sure are suffering as he is. I just hope that, for some, it's not too late.

Tip of the day!...

Buy the soundtrack to the movie THE DEPARTED! Ironically I was tipped off by one Mr. Christopher Multisanti on last week's episode of THE SOPRANOS (Which I will dearly miss!) right before that poor bastard died in a rather pathetic way. Anyhoo!...THE DEPARTED was not only a fantastic movie but has a fantastic soundtrack! The 1st song alone is worth the 14 bucks. COMFORTABLY NUMB, a classic by PINK FLOYD, performed by Roger Waters, Van Morrison and The Band! Van Morrison sings the chorus (David Gilmore's part) with such distinct style and passion I just can't play this track enough. And the following track is a BEACH BOYS song called "Sail On Sailor" which doesn't remotely sound like anything they've ever done before and it is fabulous! There's a ROLLING STONES track that is wonderful, a few rock classics including an ALLMAN BROS. live track and a couple other instrumentals that round this album off and make it, perhaps, the best soundtrack I've ever heard. Trust me, Have I ever lied to you before?

That's it for today. I am really hungry right now and am going to go stuff my face. This I will also do in homage to my buddy Big Tim, a champion "face stuffer."

word!

r

28-1!

Yes, as I'm sure most of you noticed while watching SportsCenter last Wednesday night, Karl's Country Market's softball team--of which yours truly is the manager and star centerfielder--started out the 2007 season with a resounding 28-1 victory which was highlighted by 5 home runs (one by yours truly)! The crush of interviews following the game only slightly diminished the high we all flew on that night. It was unfortunate that our newest member, Scott "Hengin' with" Engen, got into a shoving match with Stuart Scott from ESPN when Stuart refused to give our Scott his patented "Boo-Yah!" after our Scott chugged a bottle half filled with Randy McMahon's expectorated chewing tobacco--our Scott was very inebriated and I think he was just trying to fit in with his new teammates. The situation was quickly defused, though, and Stuart and Engen ended up leaving together. So, all's well that ends well.

But, yes, our softball team is off to a rousing start (did I mention I hit one over the fence and went 5 for 5 also hitting for the cycle?) and we have our eye on the prize this season. The prize being the consumption of many bratwurst made at the aforementioned Karl's Country Market which is owned and operated by my pop, KARL! My pop's a world champion sausagemaker. He's won state, national and world medals for his recipes. Yep, I could be making a good deal of money had I decided to work in the family biz. But I have "the curse." Some refer to my abilities as a "gift." Those people have never spied my checkbook.

But, the sausage my father produces at his store is world-class and if you're ever in Menomonee Falls, WI make sure to stop in and sample the goods. You'll be leaving with a shopping cart full of stomach-warming goodness. You can also order and have items shipped nation-wide! Just give 'em a call over at Karl's and they'll set you up...262-252-3090

Moving on...

I have sent out all the propoganda (postcards, bookmarks, emails, review copies, phonecalls, interviews, etc.) I could think of to pimp my new book, THE LIST, the past 3 weeks. The book's in this month's "Previews" catalogue with the order forms due in to shops in the next couple days. So now I just sit tight and hope the orders come in. I'll know by the 3rd week in June so I have a bit of sweating to do in the interum. Regardless, though, of what the numbers are I am trying my very best not to "sweat it." And I am failing miserably. It's impossible to be aloof when it comes to these things. You put so much work into a project it's human nature to fret over its success, or lack thereof. I'm a worrier when it comes to these deals. I don't sleep much. What am I going to do.

So, to summarize, not only do I not make any money at this but it's also extremely stressful.

And they call it a "gift" lest you've forgotten.

I have a prediction, though, and you heard it here first. THE LIST will do all right by all accounts as far as sales go in book form. And that's what I'm expecting. BUT! BUT!!! It's going to get the attention of the Hollywood peeps. Feel free to start the rumors. Please. And I'm not joking here. To a person, everyone who has heard the concept behind the book has said, "That'd make a cool movie." So if you're a hollywood producer, director, or know one or the other gimme a shout out. The option is still available as of my writing this and I'm a lot of fun at the negotiation table!

And in other movie news, the first draft of THE 3 GEEKS MOVIE has been written by Jeremiah Hall and I must say all involved are absolutely delighted with it! There needs to be some polishing but not a whole heck of a lot. It's shaping up and looking like it's going to be a heckuvalotta fun!

Word!

r

NO SHAQ, NO KOBE!...BOO HOO!

The NBA playoffs. Full of intrigue, chaos, excitement, competition, and mercifully, no more Shaq and no more Kobe!!!! Woo-Hoo!!! Personally, can't stand either one of them. Couldn't when they were playing together and can't when they're playing apart. I always say, "The only thing bigger than Shaq is Shaq'a ego!" but maybe Kobe's ego is a close second...at least he makes some effort in disguising it though...Shaq makes no such false pretense. He's an ego-maniac and he makes no bones about it. My big buddy, Mr. Tim "Big Tim" Lyons, argues with me that he's funny. I, generally, share my buddy's sense of humor (we're both pervs and often find ourselves laughing to the point of tears) but on this one we couldn't be further apart. I find Shaq to be annoying, obnoxious, and, again, so full of himself to the point of making me want to vomit. And I have to be honest...half the time he does that "talk so low and quiet in interviews that no one can barely hear me thing" that I can, indeed, barely hear him that maybe he did, indeed, at that point actually SAY something humorous, but, like I said, I couldn't hear him so I'll never know. Maybe Big Tim has super-hearing and he catches the jokes? That's the only reasonable explanation I can conjure as to our vastly differing opinions on Mr. Ego O'Neal.

And what a couple of nincompoops. Together they could have won 12 championships in L.A. but their respective egos were so HUGE they simply couldn't co-exist. Now don't get me wrong...I'm glad they got divorced from one another as I can't stand the Lakers and, of course, the two of them as individuals, so I was elated at the break-up. I'm delighted that apart they will never win as many.

I was stunned by the Mavericks early departure, but the Warriors beat them fair and square and were obviously the superior team. They outhustled the Mavs to the point of ridiculousness! The Mavs settled for 3-pointer after 3-pointer after 3-pointer! And, in case no one noticed, it was because the Warriors were SO aggressive on defense and forced the Mavs to always be out WAY past the three point line! Did you notice that?! Every time the Mavs brought the ball up they were stopped 10-12 feet beyond the arc. And then they would pass to another player who would be forced almost out to mid-court!!! Ridiculous. Great defenseive scheme by the Warriors, pitiful adjustmens made by the Mavs! NO ADJUSTMENTS MADE BY THE MAVS! And I despise Stephen Jackson and think that thug should be in a prison somewhere not on the basketball court, but I wish the best for coach Don Nelson and G.M. Chris Mullen, both good guys and well-deserving of a championship. Will they get one? I doubt it. I picked the Spurs at the beginning of the year and I'm sticking with that prediction. They are solid all-around and have the ability to play fastbreak basketball or the half-court game. And coach Popovich is the best coach in the game.

In the east? Who the hell knows. I would have to say the favorites there are the Pistons.

I'm saying Pistons and Spurs in the finals with the Spurs emerging as champs in a tight 7 game finals.

But, then again, those Phoenix Suns are looking like a well-oiled machine, aren't they?

In other news...

I've begun the process of sending out my review copies of my newest book, THE LIST! Hopefully I get some positive buzz going as I head into the big summer convention season. Early reviews indicate a concensus that this concept would make for one heckuva great movie and I can't tell you how delighted I am to hear that reaction. From the start, before I even started writing the prose, I said to Sandy that of all my ideas to date this one was the most marketable for commercial aplications...i.e. MOVIES!

If you haven't had a chance yet, check out the "sneak peek" I have posted on this very website. THE LIST is currently in the May Previews catalogue and will be shipped in July!

Word!

r

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