Rich Koslowski: Writer, Artist, Genius
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I'M SELLIN' EVERYTHING!!!

That's right, folks, it's all gotta go! I'm purging, wheeling and dealing on everything here at casa Koslowski. The house has become overrun with stuff...lotsa stuff!! First and foremost my beloved comic book collection. Yep, that's right. I know, I know...anybody out there who also collects is right now reading this as the hairs on the back of their neck stand at attention and the pit of their stomach sinks a couple inches...some of you may have even thrown up in your mouth a little. "H-HOW CAN YOU SELL YOUR C-C-COMICS?!!" But it's true. I'm 40, we're making some changes, and I could use some space and a few bucks. Plus, I look at all these comics and ask myself, "Am I ever going to read them, again?" If the answer is "No" then they must go. I'll be saving some, of course. The chances of my ever obtaining an Avengers #4 signed by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby are pretty limited so, yeah, that one stays (unless someone makes me a seriously SERIOUS offer!). And there are quite a few of my Golden and Silver Age comics I'll hold onto, but 90% of the collection is going to be sold!

SO! If you are interested check out eBay where I've started listing them. And there is some good shit going up my friends...good shit! The "shit" shit I'll try and sell at the local shows and flea markets, don't worry.

So go check it out...right now! My eBay seller name is Poo666 and, yes, it's a stupid name...I know. It was inadvertent when I registered. I thought that was going to be my password and it was a stupid, juvenile password I'd easily remember so that's why I picked it. Hey, I wasn't very savvy on the computer stuff when I joined eBay so I hadn't a clue...and I was too scared to try and change it so I left it. And now that I know how to change it I don't want to cuz I've got a solid track record as Poo666, alright?! So I'm stuck being Poo666...the "shitty devil" if you will.

sigh...

And, yep, not just selling the comics. Furniture, books, cds, toys, everything! We're purging it all. Then it's the house! More on that later...when we're ready.

So feel free to send your money. Check out my eBay goodies and go friggin' nuts.

That's it for this week...ain't got much else.

Word.

r

SOME QUICK REVIEWS

Hey all,

Got elbowed in the jaw/chin area very hard the other night at basketball simultaneously by my two good friends (or are they?!) Big Tim Lyons and Tony Krebs. Bit the s**t out of my tongue--and have three nice teeth marks to prove it, plus some pretty serious swelling--and knocked the crud out of my jaw. As a result I now have to talk through gritted teeth and a mewling, swollen slab of ground up meat I call my tongue. Swallowing is difficult and chewing painful, to say the least. Good thing I still have some Vicadin left over from my vasectomy! Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

So, anyway, I'm in pain. But DAMMIT I can still write! And write to you I shall!

I've noticed that I have been slightly remiss of late in reviewing the periodicals that I, as an industry professional, am so closely and professionally involved in...i.e. comic books! I read thousands of the darned things every year and yet only give my 2 cents on occasion. Is this, perhaps, a result of inferior product and I find myself having nothing really of merit to say? Nay, not always. Certainly the bulk of comics being printed are found to left me wanting, but there are a goodly amount that are of superior readability and deserving of praise.

Basically, the reason I have been negligent in my duties to you, oh faithful readers, as a purveyor of sound advice and critique is that I am so submersed on a daily basis with comics that at the end of the day (when I usually write these columns) that's the last thing I want to be thinking of. That's my theory anyway, take it or leave it.

Okay...so what's good lately? A'ight, here's my "2 cents" for today...

Brubaker. Yeah, sure, we all go apeshit for his stuff he's doing on CAPTAIN AMERICA. Yes, it's fantastic. I wholeheartedly agree. Buy it. But I think he's even doing better things on his series CRIMINAL, that's co-created by one of my all-time favorite artists, Sean Phillips. This series is freaking phenomenal! It's about the best crime genre stuff I've ever seen. Great story and art told with grit, realism and the kind of snappy dialogue and situations we've come to expect from Brubaker at his best. If you loved GOTHAM CENTRAL (which was also phenomenal) you'll love this.

END LEAGUE by Dark Horse. Hey man, I'm too lazy to go downstairs and get my copies and see who did the creative chores (I think Rick Remender & Mat Broome) but this book kicks a-hole! Only 2 issues out so far but I'm pretty stoked. That's not to say this thing can't go into the dumper yet, but so far so good.

Same goes for THE TWELVE by J. Michael Straczynski and artist Chris Weston. So far so VERY, VERY good. I've never been a huge Straczynski fan (I have enjoyed most of his stuff though) but he's really struck a chord with me so far on this one. A series about a group of Twelve heroes from the WWII era frozen in time and recently revived in modern time and finding themselves trying to come to terms with this...ala Captain America but done with a fresher, more realistic and more relevant twist(s). Straczynski's also having himself a nice run over on THOR right now, revamping that character (one of my personal favorites) and doing a bang-up job of it. Maybe I'll turn out to be a huge fan of his after all.

Got THE NEW FRONTIER dvd as a gift from my good pal, Gary Sassaman, a couple weeks back. Enjoyed it but it didn't measure up to the comic book series. I thought the story was a little choppy compared to the brilliant comic book by the brilliant Darwyn Cooke (he's one of my top ten!)

Um, what else?...what else?...Oh yeah! THE INCREDIBLE HERC! I love this! Hercules has always been one of my favorite characters and grossly underused or misused as a character. With the "goings ons" with the Hulk and WORLD WAR HULK (which fizzled out a little in the end BTW in my estimation after starting out SO wonderfully) Hercules has taken over THE INCREDIBLE HULK series while the Hulk gets his life sorted out. And the book has never been better! Fun, smart (has to be with Amadeus Cho, the world's seventh smartest human along for the ride), action-packed, and full of all the oafish, simple-minded, arrogance and charm you'd expect from Hercules. I can't recommend this comic enough.

Well, that's about enough for now as I have to get over to Stella's school for Career Day and espouse my wisdom to the 5th graders about what a great (HA!) career being a writer and artist can be. We'll see how well I do talking through gritted teeth for three classrooms...should be interesting.

I'll leave you with one last review...perhaps the most important one you'll ever read in your entire life!...

RICH KOSLOWSKI'S run on MARVEL COMICS PRESENTS has been a revelation! To use words like "brilliant!" or "astounding!" simply do not do this amazing talent justice. They fall far short of what Koslowski truly deserves as one of America's--nay, the WORLD'S--great literary talents. Perhaps only Koslowski himself, great writer that he is, can come up with the proper pronoun that justly describes the elevations he's gone to with the written word. Perhaps mankind can only achieve the proper descriptions of how great he is after we've learned to communicate by telepathy and empathically, merging verbal, mental and emotional all into one. Then, perhaps, we will all be able to fully appreciate and understand just how wonderful his works truly are!

'Nuff said!

r

p.s. Yeah, really, MCP has been pretty cool. Has it been my "Opus"? No. But it's been a decent read and I'd appreciate any fan support I can get on it. Thanks, man.

HORTON HEARS A...BLEW!

Hey all! I am here today to do you all a public service and hopefully help save you the $50 I spent a few days back taking my daughter and a friend to see HORTON HEARS A WHO!

I really can't understand the reviewers sometimes...I take the time to research kids films because all-to-often they blow chunks. So, when HORTON was announced I, naturally, became pretty optimistic what with Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey and Carol Burnett signed on as voice actors. And I love Dr. Suess! But, as I've learned to do from past burns, I still waited until the reviews came in. I trust my weekly subscription to ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY for these reviews --NOT, however, the staff reviewers who are most definitely hit-or-miss at best! No, I wait until the following week's issue where we get all the reviewers grades and a pretty good overall idea/average grade. I've also come to realize that Rene Rodriguez is almost always sypmatico with my tastes in movies. I must now point out that hers was only one of a few missing on Horton in this last issue of EW so she isn't party to the horrible mistake the other reviewers caused me to make. And there are a few numbskulls who I can always dismiss right off--Stephanie Zacharek (this broad hates everything!), Mick LaSalle (terrible taste), Carrie Rickey and Todd McCarthy (unreliably uneven) and EW who seem to pander sometimes and the EW Readers who seem to give EVERYTHING a "B" or higher (and all Adam Sandler movies a resounding "A"! Ugh!)!

Anyway, the grades all came in at "B"s and higher! So, naturally. I assumed that even with the few numbskulls an all "B" grid with a few "A"s peppered in (and the aforementioned voice talent) surely meant this movie would be pretty darn good.

Not.

I know a movie, especially a kid's movie, really stinks it up when I feel my daughter's head rest against my shoulder a quarter of the way through--it's especially bad when the "shoulder lean" occurs 15-20 times during the film! That coupled with the silent full theatre is also a pretty good barometer that this baby blows! I counted 2 medium sized chuckles and one half chuckle throughout the entire film. And it was long, folks (at least it seemed that way, I dunno, really).

It was dull. It was boring. It was really kind of disturbing...and NOT in a good way. Trust me, I like "disturbing", yes, even in a kid's movie, if it's handled well and serves a purpose and is PLAUSIBLE! Carol Burnett's part of the crazed and paranoid Kangaroo just didn't play. Completely over-the-top and completely implausible. There wasn't enough groundwork layed for her reactions (over-reactions) to Horton's "hearing the Whos" and the jungle folk all falling in line behind her and allowing her to work them into a froth-mouthed frenzy. It just didn't fly and it came across as disturbing (not in a good way) and forced. As if the writers were trying way too hard to teach the kid's a proper lesson about crazed, maniacal, paranoid people. Which we all know is a huge problem in your typical 6-year-old's world, right?

They missed the mark again on a classic Seuss tale. I believe that's three in a row they've screwed up now isn't it?

But, getting back to where I was originally heading with all of this...The writers, directors, studio blew it, yes, but how about these useless reviewers? That's what really ticks me off. The average grade on this stinker was a solid "B" in EW! A "B"!

A "B" is pretty good if I recall (didn't get too many in school but I remember them being something that was good). Just one away from the coveted "A" and definitely better than the average "C". "B"s are a good thing...a sure bet...a job well done. It seems to me that the reviewers watch (I assume they actually see these films) any kid's film and if the animation looks good (Horton's was great BTW, I'll give it that) and the story is harmless it's an automatic "B" or better. Go back! Look! Look at all the sub-par kid's flicks that have come out in recent years and you'll see that I am right--MADAGASCAR, ICE AGE 2, MEET THE ROBINSONS, HAPPY FEET, ROBOTS, CHICKEN LITTLE, VALIANT and on and on and on--they all got these "B" grades and they were all benign (but very well animated!) pieces of garbage. Boring at best.

I'll never forget my daughter's review of Madagascar after we saw it and I asked her how she liked it--exact words, "It wasn't good but it wasn't bad, dad...it was just adequate."

SHE WAS 5!!! And she was exactly right (Actually she was generous on that one but she was, indeed, only 5 so I'll cut her a little slack).

Point being is that these reviewers seem to stamp any kid's movie a "B" or better. ***NOTE*** They actually did get DOOGAL right a few years back, I'll give them that, but, sadly, that was one I didn't wait for the reviews for...that one was all on me (see, I take responsibility for my own failures, too).

Anyway, the "stamping all kid's movies with "B"s rant" I was just on...Where does that put really great kid's movies like LION KING, THE INCREDIBLES, TOY STORY, TOY STORY II, ENCHANTED, MONSTER'S INC...? There are many more but you get my point. Sure, they gave these movies all "A"s and deservedly so, but if they are "A"s then surely a turd like HORTON, comparatively speaking, deserves no better than a "D", which is what I'd give it. By giving these crummy films all "B"s it diminishes the "A"s that the truly good movies receive. It does.

Get on the ball reviewers or get a clue. And if you can't do either than spare us your reviews all-together. You just cost me $50 bucks I'd've much rather spent taking them to the Discovery World museum or the zoo.

WORD!

R

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