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Breast Of The Best! A Year In Review.

Last night at basketball my good friend, Mike Bularz, asked me when I was going to do another column on breasts (he asked with a lunatic's grin) . He's not the only one. It seems that of all the columns, reviews and pontifications I've written in the last couple years, my semi-annual views on the female mammary glands are my most appreciated. Go figger. As they say in the NBA "It's Mammtastic!"

Alright then...give 'em what they want as the old saying goes...

In past columns I have made brilliant observations regarding breast augmentations and the fascination our society has with the female form--specifically the breasts. I confess that this fascination, with me at least, borderlines on a type of...obsession, if you will. I have commented that I, for one, do not care for the over-the-top augmentations that some women seem to feel is necessary--let's refer from this point on to the "over-the-top" augmentation as the "Pamela Anderson." That is NOT a good look! I mean, sure, it looks pleasant when the woman is suitably attired in some semi-revealing, form-fitting outfit which properly accentuates the ravine which now represents their ample cleavage. Yes, it does. I like that. BUT! When the clothes come off and those newly acquired appendages fall free they do not fall at all! Rather they, seemingly, suspend the properties of gravity all-together. Therein lies the problem for me with the "Pamela Anderson". For if these breasts defy the laws of gravity one can only surmise (and properly so) that their density defies the laws of physics as other words, they're hard as friggin' rocks! I don't dig on that. I have seen these "Pamela Anderson" over-the-tops in several films. Do not judge me too harshly here, now, people. I am a self-professed perv, yes, but in a good way. Anyways, when a woman lies on her back her breasts should not retain the same shape they do as when she is standing in the upright position. When they look EXACTLY the same something is not right. Again, the "Pamela Anderson" effect. This indicates the aforementioned "hard as a rock" side-effect that, I believe, most men are really not looking for. They might think they are and say they are, but when the situation becomes "hands on," so to speak, I think they'll decide differently. In other words, most men are idiots, so ladies, please just don't listen to them. Listen to me. I'm a genius, it says so right on my business cards. Bigger, in this case, is not always better! Remember gravity, it has to be believable.

So, to review, lying back they shouldn't retain that perfectly round, gravity-defying shape that they do when standing upright. Make sure to mention that to the plastic surgeon before you start. Take along a picture, if you can, of "film" star Jessica Jaymes when you go to the doctor. This is, perhaps, the most entirely perfect breast augmentation I've ever seen. Perfect size, shape, centering of the areola, their relationship with our friend gravity is natural and believable and no visible scarring. If you cannot acquire a photograph I'll be happy to send you one.

Now, and this is a matter of personal preference, Mike asked me about the areola and nipple area. He wanted my opinion on that and pointed out (no pun intended) that I had not discussed this in prior columns. I apologize as I feel this to be an area of great importance and not to be overlooked at all. I like them. Quite a bit. I tend to like the areola circumference to be in the 25 cents to 50 cents range with the actual nipple protuberance to approximate a pencil eraser--the larger pencils we used as kids not the typical #2 pencil we're most familiar with, that'd be a tad bit too small. This brings me to my other movie person reference which should help and give a solid visual aide. Above I referenced Pamela Anderson when discussing the "bad" in breasts, here I will reference Jennifer Anniston when referencing the "good." More accurately, I will reference her character, Rachel, on Friends. For it seems that either the set was always very cold when filming that show or Jennifer was always in a state of heightened arousal. She was, if you'll notice (and really can't help to), always "on." And for that, personally, I was pretty happy. Anyways, whenever we (my wife and I) see a woman out and about in this "state" of "on-ness" we always comment that "her Rachel's are on." So, the "Rachel's" would represent what I think of as a perfectly sized protuberance in that specific area. Coloring isn't terribly important to me. I've heard some fellows comment that they like them tan or dark but I find that it depends on the particular woman, setting, mood and family history. So I'm pretty open on that.

So, there it semi-annual discussion on the fairer sexes special attribute that drives us neanderthals to lose all our already limited faculties (Look at what it's doing to me right now!). This one's for you, Mike Bularz. I hope that Mike and everyone else appreciates it and I welcome your insights and feedback and photos!



Reviews! Reviews! Reviews!

Last week I mentioned how insatiable my appetite for reading is--much of that predicated on the fact that I have trouble falling asleep at night. But, regardless, I am a voracious reader and it has occured to me that I have been remiss in my duties of providing you, dear readers, some of my much-coveted opines on what's good and what's great in the reading world! I try and avoid saying what sucks as I believe in that old, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" mantra (except, of course, when it comes to old ladies buying gas station gift cards!).

SO! I thought I'd review one of my favorite authors this week, the uber-best-selling author, Stephen King. I mentioned last week that I was just about finished with his book, CELL...well, I have since finished it and was not disappointed in the least. A taut thriller much in the spirit of the latest WAR OF THE WORLDS movie which Steven Spielberg directed. CELL was told from one character's point of view and it worked very well. The main gist of the book was that the whole world went to hell one day and the cause was cell phones. It seems that anyone using a cell phone went completely bonkers and started killing other people. The "phone zombies" then became a sort of "hive mind" assuming telepathic abilities. I won't give it all away but would like to comment that the reasons were never spelled out as to what specifically caused the pandemonium, or why, and I really liked that in this book's case. Usually I like an explanation but in this case Mr. King made the "unknown" work quite nicely.

Scale of 1-10 I give this one a solid 7.5!

NOW! While CELL would not make my STEPHEN KING TOP TEN LIST, here are the books that do...And, by the way, I've read all but 2 or 3 of his long list of books...

#10) GERALD'S GAME. This is the one about the couple who are up at a cabin, fooling around in the bedroom, getting kinky with bondage, and the husband has a heart-attack while the wife is tied to the bed. What happens after that is terrifying! is her mind playing tricks on her as dehydration sets in? Is there really someone else in the room with her? Stephen King's always at his best when the situation's set in reality. This one's truly scary.

#9) THE DARK TOWER III: THE WASTELANDS. Part III in the seven volume epic that spanned 20 some years in King's career. The first three installments were, in my estimation, the best thing he ever did. After part 3 I thought the story lost its way, and by the 6th and 7th books I was pretty disappointed but the first three were sheer brialliance! I'm so looking forward to the comic book adaptation coming out this month!

#8) THE EYES OF THE DRAGON. Probably one of his most overlooked novels and that's a shame. This one he wrote for one of his children if I recall. he wanted to do a "fairytale" type of story with princesses and dragons and wizards. I tell you...he puled it off! This book appeals to, both, adults and children. Just a good old-fashioned fairytale with enough twists and turns to entertain even the most critical of King's fans. And there's a Dark Tower tie-in for those fans as well.

#7) DIFFERENT SEASONS. This is one of his "collections" which featured four short stories or "novellas." This was actualy one of the first King books I ever read back when I was a teenager. Four stories, each representing one of the four seasons. From this book came three phenomenal stories and two phenomenal movies, and another movie which was merely great! In this book there was, RITA HAYWORTH AND THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION), THE BODY (STAND BY ME), and APT PUPIL (APT PUPIL) all great stories, all great movies! And the fourth story in the book was no slouch either. That last one was called BREATHING METHOD. This book is sheer magic and few people outside of Stephen King's world realize that Shawshank, the movie, was actually a Stephen King book first. This collection is so good I almost put it at numero uno! Was a very tough call.

#6) CUJO. Saint Bernard named Cujo gets rabies and starts killing people. 'Nuff said! No, not really. What seems like such a simple premise and not nearly enough to encompass a whole 250-300 page novel does all that and more. Y'know, I didn't read this one until just a few years ago, always having another one of his books ahead of it and thinking just what I wrote above...that it sounds like too simple a premise to capture my attention...Wrong! This is another one of King's books that's set in reality like GERALD'S GAME or MISERY that the reader can completely relate to, and because it is so real, and so very possible, it becomes all the more terrifying to read. This dog only kills three or four people, if I recall, but I tell you the story is mesmerizing and one of those books you just can't put down.

#5) ON WRITING. One of two of his non-fiction books he's written. This one is just as the title describes--a book about writing books. Sounds kind of dry, hey? Nope, not at all. Sure it's chock full of great advice by the top-selling author of all time (if not top, then top 5...not quite sure), but it's also chock full of entertaining anecdotes, observations, experiences, confessions and the grim story about the accident that nearly killed him. I bought this book out of curiosity and, as a budding writer myself, hoping to get some "pearls of wisdom" from it. I got the pearls of wisdom and an entertaining read all at the same time. This is actually another one of his books I had a hard time not putting right up there at the number 1 spot! No lie.

#4) THE SHINING. This book scared the crap out of me! I read it when I was at the peak of my testosterone too! In high school...full of vim and vigor...fearless! And I remember getting to the part in the bathroom where the ghost is in the bathtub and Jack is running out of the room and King describes the thing in the tub giving chase! The sound effects, the descriptiveness, and the feeling of absolute hopelessness!...Brrr!...I still shudder! I remember having read that part and having to actually put the book down and, wide-eyed, staring around my bedroom (located in the basement) terrified. I literally slept with a light on. The movie was good--very good--but the book was even better!

#3) MISERY. Great movie! Phenomenal movie! And I was so glad when Kathy Bates won the Oscar cuz she sure deserved it. After seeing that movie I was scared walking through our house (I was a married adult then, too!) that night that she might be lurking! The movie actually captured the book to very nearly a tee. Probably the closest of all the King movie adaptations. Of course, the book is still the superior of the two as it gives more, more, and even more! And the book gives the actual re-writing of the "Misery" novel Annie's forcing poor helpless Paul to re-write (a brilliant touch and nice addition). It also has slight variations and an ending that I thought was even more powerful and chilling than in the movie. Again, King's best books are those set in reality...the ones that are so possible it's, well, scary!

#2) THE DARK TOWER II: THE DRAWING OF THE THREE. The second installment in the Dark Tower series where Roland gains his allies in his quest. We meet these characters and all the "baggage" they carry with them. Eddie the junkie, Odetta the young, beautiful black woman with no legs and the boy Jake. All plucked from different timelines and drawn, reluctantly, to Roland's crazy world. A "Mad Max" meets "Clint Eastwood western" type of future with magic and six-shooters! The dynamic between the characters is what really makes this second book work as we see our enigmatic hero, Roland, not only try and fight the forces of evil on his quest, but also try and deal with this ragtag bunch who are supposed to aid him. It's the development of these secondary characters and the relationship with Roland that makes this second installment really click! The opening sequence alone, where the main character is almost immediately crippled by crab creatures blows the mind! Totally kick ass!

#1) THE DARK TOWER I: THE GUNSLINGER. As if you didn't gather from the previous review. This first installment of the dark Tower series is Stephen King at his finest. A gripping tale told in a world not quite our own but close enough to strike a very raw nerve. There's enough fantasy mixed with familiarity to truly haunt you. A "future world" type of setting that's a little bit "Mad Max" and a little "wild west", frought with bad guys, wizards, mutants and good old-fashioned gunslingers! And a compelling lead character, Roland, that completely tranfixes and captivates. He is everything that is cool about every Clint Eastwood cowboy character and so much more! He also has a nobility about him that I've rarely seen matched in any other book, movie, comic, etc. He is King's single best character ever written! I have raved for decades to anyone who'd listen that these Dark Tower books were essential if you're a Stephen King fan, and I still do! The first three of the seven written are not only the best work by Stephen King but some of the best books ever written, period!!! And I should know...I'm a really smart cat!

And, so, there you have it! My first "Top Ten" list. I had fun doing this. I think I shall do this again soon. Give me your thoughts and feedback on my list. I know there were some ommissions bound to ruffle some avid King reader's feathers but, hey, I had my reasons and, after all, it is MY column!



P.S. Don't forget, if you're in the area, I'll be signing at Westfield's Comics in Madison, WI on January 27th from 1-4 pm. The rumors flying that I will be attending the "after signing" party hosted by Jennifer Anniston and my "relataionship" with Miss Anniston are, by the way, neither confirmed by me or unconfirmed. Sheesh!

What's News?

Ha ha ha!..."What's News?" That's pretty clever, eh? Get it? I didn't write "What's New?" I wrote What's News?" adding the "s" at the end of the word "New" thereby giving the word an entirely new meaning while still maintaining the integrity of the phrase/question our society is so familiar with, "What's New?"! I am that clever! And, thusly, I give my Blog header a duality in meaning! I now ask the question "What's New?" as in What's New with me/what's been going on lately, AND! I can cover altogether and entirely all sorts of different subjects just by adding that little "s" on the end. It's really quite unbelievable if you really think about it. WOW!

So, what is new indeed? Let's see...Not much, really. Although I have been working like a dog lately. Finished the big Hellboy project with Inkworks a few weeks back, been inking like crazy for Archie Comics, been working for a new firm on some advertising project, been working on some logo designs for an upcoming indy film, been putting the finishing touches on my novel, The List, which will be out this summer and finally been posting and updating this very website with more goodies.

ALSO! And this is BIG!...There will be a major announcement regarding The 3 Geeks soon! Very, very soon. I kid you not. Major. (I'm giggling excitedly as I write this.) 2007 will be marking The 3 Geeks 10 year anniversary (Yes, it's been 10 glorious years) and I have a few things planned to mark the anniversary, one of which is gigantic, the other few merely very cool. So, keep stay tuned for further announcements right here at!


Other than that I have been reading as voraciously as the voluminous Volstag of late! Isn't that the chubby guy's name from THOR? Did I spell that right? Volstag? Is it one "g" or two? Whatever. My intention was to make a comparison that would overwhelm you as to the sheer volume I've been reading as of late. In the days since X-Mas I've devoured the Absolute Sandman Hardcover I got from my wife, Sandy; read approximately 20-30 comics, finished a 450 page novel called The Romanov Prophecy (which was a solid, entertaining read BTW), and am almost finished with Stephen King's book "Cell" about 50 pages to go. Been turning off the tube a bit earlier every night to read instead. Good choice. I highly recommend it.

I would say, that on average, I've been reading about 1 to 2 hours a night since I was around 11 years old (I'm 39). I've always had trouble falling asleep at night. Horrible insomniac. Ever since I was a little kid. It's miserable. No matter how tired I am I just cannot fall asleep! I lay there and think--Think about all kinds of things; new story ideas; how poor I am and why; the usual world crisises; how old I'm getting; is there really a God; all kinds of stuff. And I cannot shut it off. Can't. I've tried counting sheep. Believe me it doesn't work. A few years ago I discovered Melatonin, a natural supplement which has helped immensely, but it still takes me awhile to nod off. SO! In a roundabout way I'm getting to the fact that, as a child, I started reading in bed every night--It was actually my mother who suggested it--And been reading every night ever since. Hundreds of novels, tens of thousands of comic books, and a few assorted magazines and such (yes, there's "reading" in Playboy!). Love it! Can't understand for the life of me anyone who doesn't enjoy reading. I've got many lifelong friends who I've known since we were wee little kids who have never read a novel! Never! What the hell? They've never even read a comic book! And you'd think they would at the very least, out of sheer curiosity if nothing else, at least pick up and read one of mine...nope! Absolutely and apparently no interest in reading anything other than the sports page of the newspaper. I do not get it and never will. Oh well.

Reading is FUNdemental! Maybe they just never heard that one? Next time I see one of them I'll mention it and see if it takes. I'll let you know.

That's about it for this week, I guess. I will mention again that I'll be at Westfields Comics in lovely Madison, WI January 27th from 1-4 pm. And, if the rumors are true (which I cannot verify) they not only have Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, giving dance tutorials, but have also added a Rosie O'Donnel/Donald Trump backwaxing competition. We'll all witness first-hand who's really the toughest! Be there!

Word! r

The Aftermath!

Well, they are over...for at least the next ten months anyways. Our beloved holidays. I did not get any gift cards! A stunner. BUT! I have a cute little gift card story (in case you didn't know, I ranted on gift cards last column)...

So, I run over to the corner gas station on Christmas Eve afternoon to get myself a 12 pack of Pepsi and some butter or something. While I'm getting my stuff I hear a bit of a commotion near the cash register. I hear the employee softly uttering apologies and the slightly raised voice of an irate customer. Both involved are women in their mid-fifties to early sixties. I look over and see the two women involved and another younger woman waiting in line to pay for her gasoline. I think to myself, "Alright, a little pre-holiday cheer!" I confess that I kind of relish watching people get all riled up during the holidays (aren't they supposed to be stress-free?). So anyways, I get my goods and saunter slowly up to the register where the two women are still going back and forth. The customer is getting more and more irate. Apparently, there's some sort of delay with whatever she's purchasing and she just simply cannot wait any longer and shouts, "Just forget it! I can't believe it's taking this long and I don't have any more time to waste here!" I hang back in the potato chips aisle where I have a nice view of both participants. The employee apologizes again to no avail. Apparently no excuse can assuage the irate woman. Then, all on her own, the irate woman asks if she can leave the money and come back in 15-20 minutes for whatever it is she's purchasing. The employee says, "Yes, sure. Can you give me at least 20 to be safe?" The irate women, calm now, says, "Yes. I'll be back in 20 minutes." So she hands the employye a wad of cash and heads out as I head towards the register and the youger woman finally checks out not saying a word. I 'm next. I ask what the heck that was all about and the employee explains...Apparently the irate woman came in to buy MOBIL GIFT CARDS but didn't have any cash. The Mobil station only takes cash on gift cards. So she had to leave and come back with cash for these well thought out and very meaningful gifts for her loved ones which she so obviously gave so much thought to (yes, you are to read this last sentence with dripping sarcasm). So when she gets back it's going to take a few minutes to ring up the $200 worth of gift cards! Well! She simply does not have the time to wait as she has guests coming over and much to prepare! So she's pissed.

Now that's Christmas, isn't it everybody? Rushing last minute to the corner gas station to get your gift cards for the family. WOW. I wish I was on her Christmas list! Thanks for the tank of gas Grandma! Your the BEST!

I got a couple of pretty cool things this year actually. I got the BAND OF BROTHERS DVD Box Set! An absolutely riveting account of the heroic Easy Company paratroopers who served during WWII and fought at Normandy, helped liberate Holland, fought at the Battle of the Bulge, and were the company who captured Hitler's infamous "Eagles Nest!" This was the most highly decorated, revered, heroic, noble and courageous of the United States troops and suffered some of the highest casualties. Hearing their accounts and seeing the 10 plus hours docudrama is a moving experience and makes you realize just how lucky you have it that these men served our country. You owe it to yourself to see this series. If you watch it and aren't moved to tears you have no soul!

Also got the "Complete Sandman" oversized slipcase hardcover! Very sweet! I'm about halfway through this first of four hardcovers planned and I love it. I've read just about everything Neil Gaiman has written--all his novels--but have never read Sandman straight through in its original sequential order! I know...completely unacceptable. But now I can and now I will and now I see why (again) this clever chap has achieved such success in this biz. Great stuff.

Stella got a kitty, and easy bake oven, a lite-brite, play-doh, books, clothes, stencils, jewelry, Hullabaloo (which I highly dig!), toys, toys, toys, and more toys. I think she had a pretty darn great Christmas.

We also took her ice skating for her first time yesterday and my first time since I was 12! 29 years! Sandy said it's been about 24 for her. The rental skates were friggin' brutal! Hard as a rock. Pure pain. If the goal was to have as sore of feet as possible, mission accomplished. As we took our first tentative steps out onto the ice, and Stella's little legs started flailing this way and that, her body jerking in, out, side-to-side, back-and-forth, I fully realized there would be at least 2-3 dozen spills in store for us. Surprise surprise, didn't happen. There were only a small handful of spills by Stella, and Sandy an I stayed upright the entire 2 hours (I did lean into one of the cushioned barricades, however, and took an embarrassing spill). And little Stella improved a hundred-fold by the second hour. She was absolutely hilarious. And what a brave little trooper. No fear. And, of course, the little social butterfly that she is, she made a friend within minutes (also skating for her first time) and they ended up skating together, holding hands, and having ice cream together afterwards. We'll be making the ice skating a regular feature from now on. Good family fun. I'll be buying better skates, however, first.

One funny aside I must mention on the ice skating. The asian dude who was so uncoordinated and had to helplessly crawl on his belly off the middle of the track to the wooden benches made my week!!! I laughed so hard! I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

Quick notes...Look for the Hellboy Trading Cards from Inkworks in February. Yours truly was one of the featured "Sketch Artists" chosen for the limited sketch cards that are randomly inserted! Cool stuff!

ALSO!...I'll be doing a signing at Westfields in Madison, WI Saturday, January 27, from 1-4 PM. I'll have books, original art and be doing commissioned sketches. There will be much frivolity, joy, laughter, handsomeness, and, from what I understand, Michael Flatley will be giving dance demonstrations. Be there!

Word! r

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